Things I did not buy on eBay this Summer

For the past few months, I’ve been saving the pennies for a new book project coming in late October over in From Parts Unknown land, so of course a ton of ultra rare and cool shit shows up on eBay.

I want to say congratulations — and BITE ME! — to the lucky S.O.B.’s who scored this stuff in my absence:

Complete Ninja Assassins werewolf? DAMMIT!!!

I guess this awesome 3-4″ pewter figurine was a premium with a rare variant of the already rare Jason Ng “Tao” sixth-scale ninja figures from the mid-2000s. Who knew this even existed. DOUBLE DAMMIT!!!

But this… THIS is just not fair. Perfect and complete Karate Kid II Attack and Training Center! Never liked this movie, but this Remco masterpiece was the perfect dojo for myriad He-Man-scale ninja figures. Would have looked soooooo good on my shelf.

Oh, AND some rare-ass figures thrown into the lot? Nice… thanks.

Look at those black and white ninja kicking dummies. Man are those sweet. This hurts my toy hoarding soul.

TRIPLE DOG DAMMIT!!!

Monsters IN Masks?

You just can’t beat no-name, unlicensed ninja toy lines from the 80’s. Sometimes, low-end toy companies got a little adventurous, a little strange in their action figure design. But no one got more downright demented than ‘Select Merchandise’ did with their 1985 line “Ninja Defender / Ninja Assassin”… NO ONE!

It’s pure f’n brilliance!!!

OK, say you’re attacked by a muscley ninja in a yellow and brown safari-striped outfit. You fend him off with your trusty shoge and six-inch standing punch, but then BLAMMO! He pulls his mask off and sure enough, HE’S A WEREWOLF! A muscley katana-weilding werewolf trained in ninjutsu… Yeah, at this point, you would call it a day.

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Above is the Ninja Assassin portion of the line, sans the hoods. L to R: Strykor, Werewolf, Reaper, Terminator and Pincer. I just adore the notion that a cyborg shadow or spider-headed shinobi would want to conceal their identity with a mask. ‘No one can know I’m really the Grim Reaper moonlighting as a suppa!’

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The human side of things, the Defenders, are actually pretty lame by comparison. There’s a surfer dude called Wipeout, a Rambo knock-off named Ringo, and a character with the inexplicable name “Rotund San.”

As is the case with many low-end lines, the distro was spotty and they are RARE AS HELL now. They fetch a fortune on eBay, and even compulsive ninja hoarders like me have a hard time finding them complete with hoods and weapons. Fortunately, the monsters are the easier ones to find, as they are certainly the coolest of the lot.

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